Is Happiness Really What You Want?

Written by Erin • 9 responses

Is happiness really what you want? I’ve read several books about happiness in the past few years. Perhaps you have, too. There are a lot of them out there.

It’s what we all want, right? We tell each other, “I just want to be happy.” We look for expert advice.

I thought it was what I wanted, too. Until I really thought about it.

Stop for a moment and consider: Is happiness really what you want?

Happiness Defined

I turn to the dictionary when I’m digging up the true meaning of a word we tend to throw around without thinking, and “happiness” is no exception. Here’s the Merriam-Webster definition that best suits the sort of happiness we’re talking about:

a : a state of well-being and contentment : joy
b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience

Sounds nice, yes?

Actually, no. Where is the movement, the growth, the evolution? Where is the progress? Where are the learning opportunities? Is pleasure and contentment all we get with happiness? Do we want to spend our entire lives in a state of placid satisfaction?

I don’t.

Happiness, as defined above, sounds like a rather boring, flat-line existence. It is a static state in which you are content. It is fixed. It is something to attain and then maintain. It implies a destination instead of dynamic growth. You achieve happiness…and then what? You just…keep being content? Forever and ever?

I want more than that. I don’t just stay content, pleased, or satisfied. I’m ok with the downsides. They’re part of the journey.

[Also? Any word we use on a daily basis to describe banal feelings ("I'm happy the supermarket had strawberries on sale!") and cute animals ("Aww, that baby sea otter looks so happy cuddled up next to its mother!") is not one I want describing my ultimate life goal.]

Alternatives to Happiness

So what do I want instead?

I want a way of living instead of a state to attain. I want growth, evolution, transformation, every day that I am alive. I don’t need sunshine from now until I die. I can weather the storms and come out stronger on the other side. I can learn from mistakes, reach ever higher. There is beauty in the breakdown, learning in the failures. My scars make me unique. My hard-won triumphs mamke me strong. And I would not trade the richness of truly varied experience for anything.

I don’t need to live in a pretty, happy box — nor do I want to. And if that means I’m rejecting the aspirations of the masses, then so be it.

There are alternative goals to happiness. And I think when people say they want happiness, they often mean one such goal. Things I strive for, for instance, include:

Authenticity – to always be moving closer to my true self in the way I live my life and exist in the world
Fulfillment – to feel that I am doing what I’m meant to do to my fullest abilities, to believe what I do matters, and to know that I am making a difference
Presence – to experience whatever comes my way in life, to not miss out on the moments because I am focused on a point in the future or the past

Out of these, I can begin to build a vision for my life, for the way I want to live and the highest aims I want to accomplish. And to me, this vision is infinitely more motivating and inspirational than the clichéed notion of happiness we often revere.

How many of us have taken the time to consider what this happiness we’re pursuing really means to us?

It seems to me that’s kind of an important question.

What’s Your Take?

How do you define happiness? Is happiness what you’re after, or are you seeking something else?

Some other posts you might enjoy:

How to Choose Your Starting Point

What Are You Doing with Your Most Precious Resource?

What Not to Do When Faced with Obstacles (and What to Do Instead)

Shanna Mann 202 pts

Happiness has always seemed like a red-herring. I think it's an unpopular (and perhaps for good reason) idea, but I think happiness is innate. You're predisposed to be happy, or staid, or laid-back.

Contentment is what people mean, and by that I mean, they got what they want and they want what they've got. But contentment means you're not pressing forward (why would you? You're content.) so I think what you really need to do is relax into the ebb and flow of wanting change, then wanting stability. I think if you can get a handle on your ability to create your own state of mind, you'll be able to achieve anything you want.

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remadebyhand 211 pts moderator

Shanna Mann Interesting! I think you're right that what people actually want is the contentment piece -- to be satisfied with what they have, to not feel like they want more. And it's missing that growth piece, which is what makes me question it as a goal. But learning to accept either the need to grow or the desire for contentment, as the cycle flows -- very interesting indeed.

"your ability to create your own state of mind" reminds me of what some of the other commenters have me thinking about, which is that I'm starting to think of happiness as more of one mode of traveling instead of the endpoint. If you can approach whatever comes with joy, curiosity, presence, whatever floats your boat, I think you're well on your way.

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Sarah

For me, happy is less of a state or feeling and more of a mindset. Just aiming for feeling happy isn't really going to help anyone, after all you can feel happy by just understanding how to put yourself into state, and then feelings come and go anyway. But to be in the mindset of happy, that's a state I think we can all benefit from. To me, it means being able to look at the positive side of life, becoming more confident and an overall improved sense of wellbeing.

Erin

Yes, Sarah, I think that's a great point. As I've been reading these comments and thinking more about happiness, I am starting to see I think of happiness as one of many ways of traveling, not as the destination. It's not that I never want to experience happiness, but it's not something I want to arrive at. I'd rather experience the ups and downs of daily life, the constant growth and discovery, with joy because I'm being authentic, present, etc etc. If that makes sense :-) Thank you for sharing your thoughts here!

sarahtops42 23 pts

@Erin 'it's not something I want to arrive at' - love that Erin, I think that's so true :)

My latest conversation: What Counts As An Adventure For YOU?

Coral

I think Happy gets used instead of what we really mean. I want to feel bliss when I hug my husband and furry kids. I want to be able to take the time to enjoy the moment. To celebrate the little victories. To feel like what I do matters. That it means something. That it makes a difference. I want to feel fulfilled to overflowing. To laugh and be silly. To achieve my goals and dreams. But sometimes to get there, we need to do the tough stuff too. Do stuff we are scared to do. Learn new things. Take a risk. Do things when we aren't guaranteed of the outcome we want. Take a leap of faith or take the leap anyway. End friendships that don't support us and make us better people. Experiment. Fail. Fail spectacularly. Be frustrated to push us into a new direction. It sucks at the time. It's scary and painful. But we come out the other side a better person. And we find those things we yearn for -that when combined together - make us HAPPY.

I think that's exactly right, Coral -- Happy has come to mean whatever we want, and no one stops to think about what that actually means to them. How can you get there if you don't know where "there" is? I like your definition of happy, and the way you explain the journey. Thank you for sharing your take :-)

Joel Zaslofsky

Hi Erin, Yes, happiness is what I really want. More so for people I care about than for myself, but you need to have a level of personal happiness before you can help others get more. That's not to say I don't seek happiness for selfish reasons. I do that all the time too. Happiness is the end result of many small and large triggers. Good health is a trigger for happiness. Financial security is a trigger and having ample supplies of people who love you is huge. But to me, the end result of all these wonderful things is what I'm truly seeking from life: to give and receive happiness all day long, from now until when I'm dead.

Hey Joel! Thank you for sharing your perspective. I like that you included other people -- though that doesn't surprise me, it comes across when even just talking to you :-) I've been trying to figure out how I reconcile points like yours with what I wrote and still feel strongly about. I think for me happiness is one of many modes of traveling, not a destination in and of itself. I would like to experience joy in the events of my life because I am present, authentic, fulfilled, etc. I would like others to do the same. But reaching a constant state of contentment -- I don't think that's what I'm after. I think it's important that everyone take a moment to think about what they really want -- as you and I have clearly both done. Where we end up is, I think, less important, at least when it comes to whether it's the same place or not.