Why Do You Keep What You Keep…and How Can You Let It Go?

I have a confession to make. It’s about my decluttering project.

Here’s the Situation.

I don’t actually go around my house every day and pick a thing to get rid of that night. I discovered, through trial and error, that I don’t work well that way.

Instead, I periodically purge a certain room or type of object, piling everything up in a corner. Then, I pull from that pile for my daily thing to get rid of. When the pile is gone, I do another purge.

This approach means I look at each thing twice before I actually get rid of it: once when I put it into the pile, and again when I take it out to photograph it.

I’m ashamed to say, every now and then I don’t get rid of every thing in my pile. Sometimes, I replenish the pile rather than get rid of that last thing I’m not ready to part with. Sometimes — *gasp* — a thing I’d meant to get rid of finds its way back into my life. I just can’t make myself let it go.

I’ve been mildly annoyed at myself for reneging on my decisions. I finally decided to get to the bottom of this so that I’d know best how to counter my tendencies.

Why I Keep What I Keep

I asked myself: Why was I ultimately unwilling to be rid of particular objects? After a bit of pondering, I determined that I keep things for three primary reasons:

Preparedness: I already bought this item, so even if I don’t love it, it’s better to hang onto it for future use than get rid of it and have to by a new one later on. This is the case with a laptop bag I haven’t yet given away. I have a great bag I like and use frequently. But this other one is, well…smaller. And you just never know when you might need a slender little laptop bag. Right?
Guilt: I paid good money for this, or someone else did and gave it to me, so I am bound to keep it forever and ever. I have a nice winter coat that is way to big for me and that I never wear. It could be keeping someone else warm — and yet it hangs in my coat closet, unworn. All because it cost a decent chunk of change.
Identity: My identities depend on the objects I own, so getting rid of them means letting go of that identity. When I talked about this a few weeks ago, I used the example of baking books. I’ve struggled to get rid of my favorites, even though the ingredients of traditional baking don’t agree with my body and I can’t use those books anymore.

A-ha! Insight!

The Plot Thickens

As I thought about it some more, though, I realized the three categories I identified aren’t separate, by any means. They overlap in sneaky, amorphous ways.

The baking books, for instance? They’re an identity thing, but they also hook in with guilt (I paid for them, or they were gifts, so I should keep them) and preparedness (what if something changes and I can suddenly eat flour and sugar again? I don’t want to have to re-buy my favorite cookbooks!).

Or take the entire preparedness category. That’s basically an identity I have for myself. I’m someone who has what she needs on hand instead of having to run out to the store. Letting go of my stashes would force me to challenge this identity.

The good news is that as I looked at what I’d salvaged from my donation pile, pretty much all of it fit into at least one of these categories. At least I’m making progress…

So What?

How does knowing this help me? Well, for starters, it’s easier to fight (and defeat!) an enemy you know than one you don’t.

Even better, knowing what’s driving my resistance lets me use emotions to get rid of things. And as most people who have tried to declutter know, emotions can be a real sticking point in the process of letting go.

A few examples of how I might use my newfound insight to help with the decluttering process:

If my pride in my preparedness is offended, I can work on building a new identity for myself, maybe as a resourceful person who can make do with what she has or figure out how to get what she needs instead of holding onto everything she can “just in case.”
If I feel guilt over an object, and every time I look at it I feel that negative emotion, letting go of the object will help assuage the feeling. I can even turn guilt over having bought something I never use into guilt over holding onto something another person might need.
If it pains me to let go of a cherished identity, as when I got rid of my baking books, knowing what’s making me reluctant to move on helps me find a replacement, if needed: here, new recipes that don’t make me sick.

Getting to the Bottom of Things

When you try to get rid of something and encounter resistance, explore that feeling. What’s being threatened? What’s the sore spot?

Pay attention to any emotions that come up alongside flat out resistance. Can you use them as clues to get to the bottom of what’s bugging you?

Listen to the excuses you give, to yourself or others, for not letting something go. Keep a list, if you want. (“I paid good money for this.” “I might need it someday.” “I’ll get back to it eventually.” “It’s fixable.” “What?? I could never get rid of my ___!!” and so on.)

Look for the patterns. Once you’ve found them, think about how you can leverage them to make the process of letting go easier.

What’s Your Take?

Why do you hang onto the things you do?

Some other posts you might enjoy:

Clearing Clutter: 365 Days to a Lighter Life

A Brief Pause for a Moment of Triumph

In Which 91 x 2 Adds Up to Much More Than We Expected

CWBusiness 20 pts

This made me laugh - I remember as a young teenager going back into the 'rag bag' a few times to rescue a favourite dress that no longer fitted. It was for a small child and I had well and truly grown out of it, but I just couldn't let it go.

I regularly have what I call 'ruthless clean outs' of my art room. I see the money I have put into my supplies, my magazines. It's hard to let it go. But if I'm not using it, it just gets in the way of what I do use. I've had my use out of them. So, I've been giving them away or recycling them. It feels so good to get rid of the clutter. I love what you are doing - and if you find a way that works for you, that's better than forcing yourself to do it 'the right way'. Your way is the right way.

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remadebyhand 211 pts moderator

CWBusiness I had clothes like that! I finally gave away the last of them recently...like 20 years later. Ruthless clean outs are hard for me. I can do them, but I need a buffer between the cleaning out and the actual getting rid of stuff. You're so right -- we get caught up in how we're "supposed" to do things, when really, whatever works for you is great!

Lori Stalter 16 pts

Great post to get you thinking. I love to declutter. My kids have learned, if it's not nailed down, it might disappear on them. Whenever we go through things and we're unsure about purging something, we mark a calendar and then decide how long we want to wait; 3, 6, 12, months? If the item hasn't been used in that time frame, it goes. Anything broken is a no-brainer. The rule is it goes. But for those items that get used once or twice a year, but are in the way otherwise, the decision is even tougher. Then we have to ask if we're clearing the space just for the sake of clearing it or do we want to make use of the space for something that might be more important. The stuff I have the toughest time with is the stuff that's been "handed down through the generations." It's garbage with no value - not even sentimental, but you're expected to keep it, just because it belonged to so-and-so. UGH! At what point do you say your space is yours to do with as you see fit and chuck it?

BlitheNiche I love your date system! That's great, because it gives you a timeframe in which to check back. It sounds like you have experience with decluttering and some solid systems in place. Thanks for sharing them!

I haven't gotten to the point yet where my home has turned into a museum of "handed down" stuff, thankfully. Maybe it's easier to keep it out in the first place than to get rid of it once it's in??

Karen J 87 pts

remadebyhand BlitheNiche Oh, Yeah! MUCH easier to 'keep it out in the first place'! Most of my elderly relatives with the antique furniture and the vintage clothes have long ago passed, and *their* kids already had to make those decisions.... but I have my share, too.

Saying "Thank you but it just doesn't fit [my style, or my body, or in my house]" is easier when there are a couple of steps between you and the previous owner.

Superkim 5 pts

I think as long as you keep progressing, there's no time frame. Only you know what is going to work for you. There are a lot of things that we hang on to when we know full well we'd be better off letting them go. Sometimes we can do it all at once. Other times we take baby steps. Once you acknowledge what needs to be done, it's only a matter of time. It's not a race, embrace the process.

Superkim Yes! Great advice. You're so right -- once you consciously say, "This is what I need to do," things get a lot easier, even if they take some time.

ethanwaldman 129 pts

My biggest resistance for getting rid of stuff always comes from guilt over money spent- either by me or by others, on the item. If I can get over that initial guilt of the money issue, then it's not hard to get rid of things.

ethanwaldman Yeah, I'm discovering I have a serious issue with this as well. I've sold a few things, which is easier for me, but some of it just isn't sellable. Gotta work on that guilt thing!

sarahemily 77 pts

Hahaha, I saved so many items from "The Pile" when I was minimalizing... it's quite amazing. I really like how you break it down into categories, and how you acknowledge the overlap. I am still working on the books.... :-) It's a tough process - be kind to yourself and let it be okay if you can't get rid of everything. Some things are okay...Really! they are!

sarahemily Yes! It is ok to keep some things! Heh, I'm keeping a LOT of things :) Books are one of them. I've gotten rid of a ton, but there are a lot more I've kept. What frustrates me is when I know I don't need something but can't seem to let it go. Like that darned laptop bag!

conradb 8 pts

remadebyhand can vouch for that! i threw out a number of laptop bags, all of which apparently served some sort of purpose? (monday bag, tuesday bag lol) however, i simply moved them downstairs, nearer the trash, so for a while i kept rescuing them. After a while, i caved in and took the lot to donates. Sure i kicked myself a week later realizing that i had thrown it out (to the point of wondering if it was still in the donate dumpster) however, that passed and i wouldn't go back. some of them i sold, and spent hours researching and bought one bag that has served me since, and will serve as my only item for years to come.

joeyjoejoe 94 pts

Quick question. Am I the only one who thinks of Will Smith and "Parents Just Don't Understand" when they see or hear the words "Here's the situation?" On second thought, don't answer.

I hang on to the things I do because my wife makes me. I'm only partially joking when I say that. There are so, so many things, physical and otherwise, I'd love to be rid of but I also have a marriage to maintain (and enjoy).

You did nail it on the head about the emotional aspect of belongings, especially physical ones. I think it helps to stop thinking of belongings as "belongings" and just as composite elements taking the shape of the thing you see and hear in front of you. Yep, that's an unsentimental way of looking at it. But as you mentioned, finding a way to convince your emotional mind that what it WANTS you to think is best isn't necessarily the best thing for you requires some logical thinking.

But hey, I still consider my wife's wedding ring a beautiful object. Unlike a buddy of mine who described buying his fiance a "giant chunk of carbon."

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joeyjoejoe Hmm...well, of the two of us, yes. Can't speak for anyone else :)

In my marriage, I'm the keeper. My husband is practically having to make up things to get rid of with this project (though it was his idea, so I'm ok with that). I'll get rid of 40 books as my thing for the day, and he'll get rid of one. He still has things he is determined to keep, though, and that's fine. My feeling is that you do what you can with the things you have control over and either hope those around you catch the bug or relent and accept the stuff.

Yes -- you are so right about terminology. It matters so very much how we label things (as you've pointed out) and I'm totally going to try your strategy. It's usually emotion I use to win myself over, but that might just be because my logic isn't strong enough, heh.

KimThirion 22 pts

It's so interesting that I'm thinking about my reply and my two step-kids come out of their room with the boxes that their new school shoes came in. Then they proceed to show me the contents of their new "treasure boxes": papers, tags from some of their toys, parts of broken toys, pieces stolen from a board game, etc. And what I noticed is that for every silly (and essentially worthless) item, they had attached a memory to each piece. Their reasons for saving these items wasn't "it's pretty, or it's mine", the reasons were much more indepth, like "this is from when Julian did this" or "This is from [friend] birthday party when we.."

It's interesting to see our emotional attachments to things even as young children (in this case, ages 6&7). I think that emotional attachment is important and good, as long as it's healthy and not going overboard. Keeping the necklace your first real boyfriend/friend/etc gave you? I'm down for. But keeping 30 scarves because they look like one your grandmother used to wear is going a bit overboard.

That said, I do have a few sentimental items I hold on to, but the majority of my possessions that I don't use on a daily basis fall in the "But I might need it someday" category. Once collection of mine that particularly fits this discussion is my collection of books. I'm a big reader, always have been, and as a young girl, I vowed that I would have a library in my house. I still don't have a library (and very little space for shelves). I have boxes and boxes of books, some I've read, some I haven't, and most I'll never read twice. But, I still hold on to that hope of getting my library (after all we won't be in this apartment forever). But reading this post today has made me think about it. (How many times have I lugged those boxes from apt to apt without ever opening them???)

Anyway, sorry this comment was so long! It's definitely given me a lot to think about!!!

KimThirion

Hi, Kim! A "long comment" means you're really thinking about it - Hooray!

A friend of mine has just moved from a tiny apt. to an even tinier one, and has many many boxes of books that he's regarding as "They need to be liberated, so they can be actually used".

Maybe, what we (me, too) could do about the "I will have a Library" bit, is break it down a little further to "...Library of books that I Love." That sounds like it'll make it easier to sort-and-pass-on the ones we'll never read again. (Crossing my fingers!)

Karen J That's what I'm trying to do! Turns out it's much smaller than I'd originally thought. But I refuse to get rid of all the ones I already own that might end up in that library I'm building, so my current collection is a bit on the gigantic side :)

Karen J

Library of books I love... I absolutely LOVE that idea! I was so focused on amassing enough to be called a home library (and I've certainly done that! - last time I moved, half of MY boxes were books, and that's only a third of the books I own!) So, I could definitely benefit from a scale down!

I have 4 small (stackable) bookshelves at my fathers house right now (books stacked in double rows at that). My first plan of action will be to sort the ones I want to keep and the ones I want to part with, so that I can finally bring those shelves to my new apt. I think this will be good, and yet painful!

KimThirion I love long comments -- no need to apologize :)

It's amazing the emotional bonds we form with objects, isn't it? I'll discover I'm attached to things I'd thought had hardly even registered in my brain. My rule with sentimental stuff has become: if it's an overwhelmingly positive feeling I associate with a thing, it can stay. If it's sadness, guilt, frustration, pain, anything negative, it goes. I don't need that kind of stuff in my life in the form of possessions. (I wrote about shredding my old diaries a while back -- they caused me only negative feelings, and shredding them was amazing for me!) Stuff I'm sort of "meh" about I'll photograph or scan and then get rid of.

Ohhh, books. I have about a zillion of them, too, and I have dragged the things from city to city far too many times! I've cut back a lot. It's funny, I've discovered I love to own my very favorites, but once I've read a book, if I didn't love it, I'm fine with letting it go. It's more like I like to hoard reading material for some future date, even though I end up using the library to get other books that catch my eye far more than I pull books from my own shelves. I use the same rule for books I use for sentimental stuff: If I look at a book and can't wait to read it, it stays. If I feel guilty because I bought it and now I don't really want to read it, or if the thought of reading it feels like a chore, I get rid of it.

See...I like long comments :)

remadebyhand

:) That sounds like a great way to part with certain things! Keep only good associations.

My problem is that I tend to acquire books faster than I can read them. The local twice a year library book sale is super hazardous (last day the books are only a DIME!) and I usually will spend around $3 and take home 30 books. I still have books from a sale 18 months ago that I haven't gotten to yet. (gosh this makes me sound like a crazy hoarder lol) They are all interesting genre's to me and I do plan to read them, I just tend to get in these "moods" where I want to read one particular type of book. This leads to buying more of that type and temporarily forgetting the others.

One thing I did manage to get under control was magazine collection. I'd get my magazine in the mail and read it, but it would have good recipes or workouts or whatever that I wanted to keep, and I'd end up with a huge stack of magazines I never touch. So I've tossed them, cut out only the very best things, and move on. It's been so much better since doing that.

KimThirion It's entirely possible we are twins who were separated at birth. I could have written that ENTIRE second paragraph, no joke!! I have nothing to add, except "I hear ya" :)

I've never been much of a magazine person, thank goodness, or I'd have piles and piles of those too! Good for you for cutting down on the ones you won't use.

Yes, very possible!

Book sales? Yikes! They hit alll my buttons - "rescuing 'good stuff' from destruction or the landfill"; "interesting, even if not immediately useful", and "inexpensive" "information!" ~ I avoid them as pointedly as the fabric store, now!

Karen J Ha! I, too, avoid both of those, at least until I get my respective stashes down :D

sarahtops42 23 pts

Ooh, great post! This bit: 'I paid good money for this, or someone else did and gave it to me, so I am bound to keep it forever and ever.' especially, as I'm prone to keeping things JUST because someone bought it for me. There's actually a whole collection of stuff hanging around my house that were gifts that I just don't use!

With other things I'll hang on to them just because I don't make time and think 'do I really need this?'

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sarahtops42 Yes! Ha, me too! What if the gifter shows up and wonders where the gift is?? (Which never happens, but still!)

And yeah...it can be way easier to just keep something around than to figure out whether you need it. This getting rid of a thing a day is really helping me keep decluttering and questioning the usefulness of the things in my life in the forefront of my mind.

Like youse guyz, I have a 'need' to keep it if it might be useful. I know exactly where this came from - both P's were teens through the Depression... and I don't have a lot of money to replace what I 'useta have', willy-nilly. (I'm wishing I knew what happened to a turquoise jacket these days - the color and weight would make it delightful for this fall.)

I also DO actually go back through the old stuff and find 'just the thing' - not often, but 'often enough' to reinforce that old script, dammit. Also, "use what you've got" challenges my creativity like crazy, even if it takes 'way-too-much' time. Hmmmmm??!

I've got a whole room full of 'sewing projects' - needs a button replaced or a seam fixed or taking in or letting out - or it's "irreplaceable fabric" - Yikes!

Erin, I AM being more willing to Spend Out more - Thank You for that concept! And Etsy has been beckoning me to actually produce some of the great ideas that I've got for that fabric and resources stash. Or sell my tchotchkes to someone who WILL love them...

Love and Bright Blessings ~ Karen :)

deniseurena 72 pts

I'm not much of a hoarder of things I don't need. I've learned to be good about letting go of things. I hang on to stuff usually for 2 reasons. 1. For financial reasons. Like I do keep stuff if "I think I might use it later". Some consider that an excuse to not let go, but it's actually smart. Nothing is free, and saving stuff to save money at a future date is a good idea.2. Sentimental reasons. BUT, if I know I'll NEVER look at it again, like it's going to be in an attic foreverrr... then I won't hang on to it. I keep sentimental stuff that I actually enjoy looking at or using from time to time.Everything else I hang on to is in use in some way - it's useful or looking at it makes me happy :)

deniseurena Yes, I definitely agree that there are some things you should keep just in case. There are things I've been so glad I've kept and things I've regretted getting rid of. I also have a lot I'll never use, though, and I need to accept that!

I've been trying to get my sentimental stuff into the sort of order you have -- just the stuff I enjoy having as part of my life, nothing that makes me feel guilty or that spends all its time in a box somewhere :)

Shanna Mann 202 pts

I like to "wear things out." Or at least that's what I tell myself. I have a lot of ratty t-shirts and crappy shoes that I can't quite bring myself to throw out. But I like for things to look good . So I'm very resistant to wearing a ratty t-shirt, even if the imperfection is minor. And I KNOW that I'll never wear them to the point that my partner has-- he has 20 year old t-shirts that are so full of holes they might as well be screen doors.

I know the best thing would just be to keep two or three and trash the rest -- I could always wear Chris's shirts if I desperately needed more than three work shirts-- but I have plenty of room in the closet, and it's just never seemed necessary yet.

Shanna Mann I also tend to buy clothing that is designed to look better with age (and last longer) I bought a pair of Sebago boat shoes ages ago and I expect I'll still be wearing the same pair in 10 years time. Saves buying "summer" shoes year after year.

conradb My last splurge was $150 leather boots with sewn-on soles so they can be re-heeled. But otherwise, I like a smooth, sophisticated look, which tends not to age well, except with the very best fabrics and construction. Which are getting hard to find! It's tough to know what will stand up for ten years.

Shanna Mann Probably a lot easier if you live on the West Coast as opposed to East (rain/snow/cold) where nothing lasts through winter

Shanna Mann

High-end resale shops! "The ladies who lunch" buy the very best, and don't wear it out, they get rid of it! Score!

Shanna Mann Yes! Me too. I currently have several t-shirts in a drawer that I refuse to get rid of but that I won't wear because they have tiny holes in them. Heh. And my husband will wear almost anything! Our decluttering project has been awesome because he's finally getting rid of some of those.

We move often enough that I should probably cut back. That's one of the reasons driving this decluttering -- less to move next time we have to pack up!

Very interesting post and certainly talks through the process of parting with things that you feel are a part of you. I certainly agree that for many people (including myself) "things" identify us, how we perceive ourselves, how others perceive us, how we want to be perceived, how we wish to be perceived. What we own puts us in a certain bucket in society.

We wear clothes as badges to enforce who we are, how we express ourselves. The same goes for things in our home, our furniture, wall colors, the car we drive, how we dress our children. So the decision to part with all this "stuff" does feel liberating in some sense, like moving to a city where no one knows you, however, on the other hand, most people worry about what other people will say if you stop wearing expensive clothes or stop keeping up with the Joneses.

For us, when we made a huge change on Jan 1st of this year, it had to expand out to other areas of our daily lives. Simply clearing things out and getting rid of items that served only emotional attachment and no actual use or purpose, wasn't enough. it was like deciding to tidy up the house, but then just stuffing all the things laying around in a closet and closing the door. We had to not only clear our clutter and let go, but also add in many other life changes to support the whole initiative. We cleared out food cupboards and went organic/gluten free, we helped our kids to donate toys, we changed our routines to avoid using the car as much, we even cut back our front yard to make it more maintenance free. similar to getting healthier, or dieting, simply making a small change isn't enough, you have to make an entire lifestyle change.

Regarding letting go of items you paid money for, or have sentimental attachment to, i was very much in this boat. I kept "processing" many items of clothing, computers, books, furniture that meant something or was difficult to part with. but then i realized that I was feeling that way not because I had some emotional attachment to it but moreso because I feel guilty that I spent all that money on it, and now realize that it really didn't mean anything to me. its simply not important. its just a pair of shoes, or a book or an extra computer.

Do we really hold onto things because of emotional attachment in the sense of an heirloom or are we just holding onto our past random impulse purchases purely because the process of parting with them would raise a sense of guilt and foolishness for buying them in the first place?

conradb Thanks for sharing your experience! My decluttering process has been slow, not dramatic, but I am starting to see and feel some of those effects you speak of. It's really cool how this kind of deep physical clearing can affect so many areas. It's almost like it opens your eyes to other factors.

It helped me a lot to realize why I felt emotionally attached to things. I now pay attention to whether the emotion is positive (happiness, joy, etc.) or negative (guilt, regret, sadness) and base my decision on that. For me, it's looking at that impulse purchase every day that brings up guilt and foolishness. Once I realized letting it go would get it out of sight, out of mind, my decluttering got a lot easier -- in some ways, at least.

remadebyhand I can't exactly remember when the "impulse purchase" lifestyle "disappeared." I think it was more once our priorities had shifted from a combination of avoiding malls altogether, to the point of hating going to them, purging in closets to the point of realizing what clothing you actually need (rather than looking at a bursting closet and saying "i don't have anything to wear...") and the growing realization of the benefits the new lifestyle change gave us. i agonize more over purchases now, research, reading reviews etc etc and always buys things that are needed and are at the most optimal and efficient in usage, purpose. it does turn into a "life hack" challenge after a while. ironically, many people I know are very frugal, however their houses are actually bursting with clothes, house products etc etc simply because their frugalness prevents them from throwing anything away!

conradb It's funny, I'm definitely starting to dislike aimless shopping more and more. Much more often I walk out of a store empty-handed, realizing I don't actually want or need whatever I thought I might like to look at. It's cool -- I feel like my little daily efforts are starting to add up in bigger ways.

Sandra at Living Lagom

I create my piles of giveaways and then I let them sit for a few days. Sometimes I take something back out and decide to keep it. I never want to regret giving something away. So I hold onto the item until my next decluttering session. Oftentimes, I will get rid of it in the second go around. I guess subconsciously, I've been thinking about it until that time. Then I realize I haven't really been using it and there's a reason it ended up in the pile in the first place. So I let it go, but only because now I'm ready to let it go. I never want it to feel forced...or else I'll just end up buying back something similar.

I like how you've thought out the why of not letting go. I think that would help a lot of people.

@Sandra at Living Lagom I'm so scared of the regret thing. I think that's part of why I hang on to some things. But, I haven't really, horribly regretted getting rid of something in this last effort, except for a single book. I'm always teetering at the edge, though. If I let myself dwell on what I've gotten rid of, I can make myself a little sick. Not regret sick, though -- it's more all those reasons I listed in this post rising up!

mallery

You have nailed it exactly for me on how I struggle with getting rid of things! I have what I call a curse of being able to remember where every item came from and who gave it to me. Funny how objects can draw up so many emotions. We can let relationships deteriorate but hang on to silly objects that can't love us back. Blogs like yours though have helped me to be such a better person. Thank you and keep inspiring me to dig deeper.

@mallery Oh goodness, I have that curse, too. Funny because in general my memory isn't that great! You're so right about us often being more attached to objects than people. I'd not thought about that. Kinda sad. I'm happy to hear you're inspired -- that makes my night! :)